Monday, September 03, 2007

Maybe it's not as complicated as it looks

Starting the week with some reality checks; Seeking Solace's Advices on marriage and The big 'D' entries made me ponder for a while. Marriage is such a serious thing and a very long journey but most of us would like to think of it as a happy ending to a love story.

I always tell myself that marriage should be treated like a smart partnership but personal. Meaning that, we have to find ways to make it work, fruitful, benefit every stakeholder and at the same time giving and receiving the much needed love and attention. Nothing (not even gazzilion dollars) can beat the feeling of going home to the people we love and waking up next to somebody we really care for.

As the marriage progresses, there'll be phases. I'm sure this is written in hundreds of relationship books. The honeymoon phase, the babies-season phase, the schooling-children phase, the children-getting-married phase, the empty-nest phase and lastly the 'senja' phase.

Well, those phases are the ones seen by outsiders. They're physical, people could understand the 'hows' and 'whys' of your actions and emotional state by relating to those phases.

The unseens are, among them: the I-love-you-like-nuts phase, the I-think-there's-something-I-hate-about-you phase, the Why-are-we-not-talking phase, the I-need-space phase, the I-don't-think-you're-doing-enough-for-this-marriage phase, the We-should-do-something-about-this-marriage phase, the I-love-you-like-nuts-again phase and the list can go on until there's no more free space in this Blogger server.

Now that I'm almost 7 years of living as a married woman (yeahoooo my anniversary is just around the corner), I have realized a lot of things. The most important one has to be: We have to understand ourselves before we could fully understand our spouse and the children.

Why is this so important? Because understanding is the key to happiness. (Heh, I know how cliche that sounds, but it's the truth.)

That is the hardest part of any relationship. When we have to stand in front of the mirror and point out our best features as well as weaknesses, it's a tough process. Add some ego and selfishness into the picture, then the process will take years to complete.

It may be easy for some people to advise friends with marital problems to be more mature and rational in handling the situations. Some would just tell them to set their emotions aside just for the sake of the children/in laws/joinedly-owned properties etc. However, in some cases the only solution that will work is to go separate ways, especially for domestic violence cases, extra marital affairs, parasitic hubbies and the ever famous reason: fallen out of love.

Some problems are time healing, if both parties are able to just forgive and forget. However, there are issues that keep on resurfacing even after thousands of kiss-and-make-up sessions. If they can never be forgotten, they are serious issues that will eat the relationship up. It takes a lot of guts to really open up about it, but someday, somebody has to bite the bullet and resolve it once and for all. Or else, it will leave you feeling bitter until the day you die. Some might even reach a breakpoint, burst out all of a sudden and make the whole situation even worse. WORSE would mean, family members from both sides will start to interfere.

Having said all that, I'm no expert in advising people on this marriage thingy. I'm just sharing my thoughts out loud. My learning process is still on-going and yeah, I still make mistakes ... maybe lots of them, maybe not that bad, maybe quite damaging, well I don't know. Sometimes, we thought we're doing the right thing that should benefit the marriage, but it doesn't appear so to the other stake holders. Life is funny sometimes, hehehehe. That's why we have to communicate well.


Dah Pencen said...

Puan D.N.A.S., you have penned down such wise words for a young 'un.
8th anniversary round the corner, eh? You may wish to note that the traditional gifts for the 8th year are bronze/rubber products, whilst the modern gift is linen. Memang boring. You can get your other half a Stabilo eraser, whilst you can expect to get some cadar in return.
Happy Anniversary to you and husband, ma'am :)

D.N.A.S said...

dah pencen,
nasib baik 7th anniversary this year.
Kalau 8th anniversary nanti, I belikan dia tayar silverstone for his car, okay tak?

Dah Pencen said...

Puan DNAS, Silverstone tak main ah. Get him a quartet of Bridgestone Potenzas if you really, really love him.

all jazzed up said...

it will leave you feeling bitter until the day you die.

dnas, that's exactly why I pushed for the Big D. I realized that if I continue living like this, maknanya dah tua aku akan jadi grumpy old woman. You know the ones where husband sendiri on deathbed pun buat dekkk je (i've seen this before ok). Bitter - I don't want to be that person.

D.N.A.S said...

dah pencen,
okaylah tu. Cintaku bukan di atas kertas, cintaku tidak ber'kasta'. Hehe.

betul jugak lah. I wanna die as a happy old woman, and be remembered as such. Somehow I think That explains the grumpy/bitchy Makciks/Neneks we meet during khenduri kat kampung sometimes.

Spena said...

I hated what had happened and the decision I had to make 2 years ago


I did not regret and I love my life now.

D.N.A.S said...

It's not easy to save a broken trust and damaged relationship. We all understand your decision.

I'm glad you are happy now.
Usually, God has better plans for us.

Seeking Solace said...

A smart partnership? I like that thought :)

Congrats on your anniversary in advance! Dah lepas the 7 year itch hehehe :)

D.N.A.S said...

seeking solace,
now kena target nak lepas the big 10 pulak, insyaallah.... kalau dipanjangkan umur.

AM said...

I like the way you put your thoughts into words. and the Unseen Phases - so smart! and so true!

Azer Mantessa said...

cool :-)

D.N.A.S said...

adakah saya menakut-nakutkan org2 yg nak kawin tu? hihihi

part mana yg cool ni? I rasa dah abih serious dah my entry this time... hehehe. Ada rasa2 macam Bicara Ilmiah tak?

ruby ahmad said...


Life is a journey. When it comes to marriage I do agree with you it is about smart partnership, yes both should benefit. Sometimes when it is just 'I take all and you get nothing' relationship of course the big 'D' is an option. There is no one formula fits all. That is why, never base what you go through with any other. Only you know and go to your guts for decisions, not friends, siblings, whoever.

I always talk with my spouse and we have changed our strategies for so many things at every turn and corner to make things work. Nothing is static. So in the final analysis, COMMUNICATION is quite key. Good entry dear.

D.N.A.S said...

Kak Ruby,
Nothing is static! Yes... very true. That realization will give a lot of room for improvement. That's why I always stick to "Jangan mengungkit kisah lalu" whenever there's argument with hubby/friends/family.

WANSHANA said...


Marriage is something we have to work at until our last breath. Sometimes we have to forgive, even though it is difficult to forget.

And when we forgive, we can move on with our lives - be it as a stronger couple OR on our own, insya Allah...

Faiez Idrus said...

K. Dayang! As said by Mrs Jane Smith (in Mr & Mrs Smith), happy ending is a story that doesn't end yet, hahahah! And I call myself a romantic fool! Hahahaha!

D.N.A.S said...

believe it or not, I haven't watched Mr and Mrs Smith. Hehehe. Watched Music & Lyrics last month and I think that's the kind of romantic relationship I'd like to have in life.