Starting the week with some reality checks; Seeking Solace's Advices on marriage and The big 'D' entries made me ponder for a while. Marriage is such a serious thing and a very long journey but most of us would like to think of it as a happy ending to a love story.
I always tell myself that marriage should be treated like a smart partnership but personal. Meaning that, we have to find ways to make it work, fruitful, benefit every stakeholder and at the same time giving and receiving the much needed love and attention. Nothing (not even gazzilion dollars) can beat the feeling of going home to the people we love and waking up next to somebody we really care for.
As the marriage progresses, there'll be phases. I'm sure this is written in hundreds of relationship books. The honeymoon phase, the babies-season phase, the schooling-children phase, the children-getting-married phase, the empty-nest phase and lastly the 'senja' phase.
Well, those phases are the ones seen by outsiders. They're physical, people could understand the 'hows' and 'whys' of your actions and emotional state by relating to those phases.
The unseens are, among them: the I-love-you-like-nuts phase, the I-think-there's-something-I-hate-about-you phase, the Why-are-we-not-talking phase, the I-need-space phase, the I-don't-think-you're-doing-enough-for-this-marriage phase, the We-should-do-something-about-this-marriage phase, the I-love-you-like-nuts-again phase and the list can go on until there's no more free space in this Blogger server.
Now that I'm almost 7 years of living as a married woman (yeahoooo my anniversary is just around the corner), I have realized a lot of things. The most important one has to be: We have to understand ourselves before we could fully understand our spouse and the children.
Why is this so important? Because understanding is the key to happiness. (Heh, I know how cliche that sounds, but it's the truth.)
That is the hardest part of any relationship. When we have to stand in front of the mirror and point out our best features as well as weaknesses, it's a tough process. Add some ego and selfishness into the picture, then the process will take years to complete.
It may be easy for some people to advise friends with marital problems to be more mature and rational in handling the situations. Some would just tell them to set their emotions aside just for the sake of the children/in laws/joinedly-owned properties etc. However, in some cases the only solution that will work is to go separate ways, especially for domestic violence cases, extra marital affairs, parasitic hubbies and the ever famous reason: fallen out of love.
Some problems are time healing, if both parties are able to just forgive and forget. However, there are issues that keep on resurfacing even after thousands of kiss-and-make-up sessions. If they can never be forgotten, they are serious issues that will eat the relationship up. It takes a lot of guts to really open up about it, but someday, somebody has to bite the bullet and resolve it once and for all. Or else, it will leave you feeling bitter until the day you die. Some might even reach a breakpoint, burst out all of a sudden and make the whole situation even worse. WORSE would mean, family members from both sides will start to interfere.
Having said all that, I'm no expert in advising people on this marriage thingy. I'm just sharing my thoughts out loud. My learning process is still on-going and yeah, I still make mistakes ... maybe lots of them, maybe not that bad, maybe quite damaging, well I don't know. Sometimes, we thought we're doing the right thing that should benefit the marriage, but it doesn't appear so to the other stake holders. Life is funny sometimes, hehehehe. That's why we have to communicate well.