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Thursday, December 06, 2007

Year end realisation

I was once a bitter woman. A huge personal problem changed me into one. I became a person that I think was not myself for a few years. Whenever I looked in the mirror, I saw a miserable face staring back at me. I neglected myself, my health, my friends and people who used to care about me. Whenever I felt so bitter, I ate, ate and ate. If I was not eating, I’d bitch.

I hate to look at the pictures of me taken during all those years. Unhappiness was clearly written all over me. I started to really hate myself as well. At times I chose to live in my illusions, I blocked the reality. My mind just wondered with no purpose and destination. I imagined myself as another person, living other people’s life and wondered if I could steal some of their happiness. Although I was never at the verge of committing suicide, I couldn’t stop thinking of how meaningless my life had become. After every prayer, I’d put my hands together and ask for some help from Allah. I just couldn’t stand hating myself any longer.

Then, two things changed me.

First, I started this blog. I have no idea what blogging was all about back then. All I knew was that I could write something and get it published for free on the web. I promoted this blog to my close friends. The earlier stuffs I put up here were a mixed of everything and nothing. I wrote about my imaginations, my imaginary friends, anecdotes and mostly stupid jokes. I was blogging anonymously back then. After a few entries, I was comfortable enough to use it as a medium to share my thoughts and real life stories.

A few months after that I decided not to become anonymous anymore. That was when I deleted 10 months’ of blog entries and started anew. By then, I was less bitter and a lot happier. The things you all put in the comment box helped a lot without you realizing it. I really appreciate it. To all the silent readers, I know you are out there following my stories and development. It felt great to bump into an old friend at the market and she asked me about some of the latest things I was working on. It never occured to me that people who used to be in the different chapters of my life would still care to know what I was doing and up to.

Second, a friend appeared out of nowhere, found my switch and turned it back to my normal happy mode. He has the right people skill to make me wanting to live my life to the fullest again. Face the facts, face life. Forget all the bitterness and ironies as a mortal. Live the present. Smell the roses. Lick clean all the ice creams. He knows the right formula on how to bring out the best in people. He insisted I call him a friend although I didn’t know him at all. He offered advises I never asked for. Most importantly he reminded me of my values and what I’m worth. Although we share nothing in common, I somehow appreciate his efforts to turn me into a woman who respect and love herself, not doing things or living for others, but herself. He also made me realize about reward, redemption and 'khilaf' and relate those to the things that happen in my life.

I am what I am today because of blogging and this friend. Today I realized God send His help and show us the light in many unexpected ways. Don’t stop praying, for God will choose the best time to grant us the things we ask from Him.


11 comments:

UglyButAdorable said...

i totally agree..it's therapeutic for me...no matter how busy i try to blog hop..even if i dun hv time to update mine...and dude your entry sure spice up my blogging mine...

..::ciaobella::.. said...

i noe he does...but it's killing me waiting.....how can i not stop questoning Him when n why? :~(

RsRz said...

I am one of your silent readers. But lately you have been writing about being sad and depressed, and flirting with other guys. And now about this male friend who helped you with your life. Does your husband know about all these, especially this guy? You have got to tell us more. I hope this is not a sign of unhappy marriage. Because, frankly, I quite fancy you...

D.N.A.S said...

UBA,
thank you... makacih....
keep on blogging. Your story mory pun interesting bangat. :)

ciaobella,
pray..... pray.... pray... and be patience.

rsrz,
don't misunderstand. This is not the whole story. The friend happened to be imaginary. No matter how depressed or frustrated I am by life's unfairness, I am not interested in flirting with guys. I know it's not going to solve any problem.

Yes, I was once a really bitter and depressed woman, I created an imaginary friend. The friend was very much the positive voices in my head. I'm not much different from Calvin (from Calvin and Hobbes).

If you fancy me, you are 10 years too late la mister.

Angel Eyes said...

oh.. wow...

*speechless*

D.N.A.S said...

Sheryl,
my schedule is tight this month, doing 2 projects concurrently. Kalau tak, boleh pegi sushi session with you, kan?

che' nah said...

*teehee*

i've just been reminded as to why i opted to 'close shop' when it comes to blogging-for-the-public. because kdg2 tu, orang susah nak paham that writing is just a form of therapy...

(plus if my students read the nonsense that i write... ho-ho-ho... hilang la karma gue... :P)

sometimes, it's really a case of our thoughts acting like magnets. the more +ve and alive we are, the more it seems like as if all the good things in life comes to us insyaAllah.

happiness, is good. and i'm glad that you've gotten it back dnas. :)

D.N.A.S said...

che' nah,
maybe I should start putting up Disclaimers on my blog. I know many people tend to believe 'buta-buta' whatever they read in blogs.
The blog doesn't represent who I really am. They're just pieces of random thoughts and life anecdotes.

By the way, u lecturer ke?

ardy said...

Yes, stop praying we never should, for hopes and dreams are never to late be be realized.

Glad you've found your way in life. I believe a lot of us out there are still looking for our own ways, me included.

john f seademon said...

I am still looking.

I have loved a personreal hard, and have fallen equally hard too.

But I still love her nevertheless.

D.N.A.S said...

Ardy,
teruskan usaha gigih anda.

John,
Love found, love lost, and then found again. That's the story of life, lah friend.... Good for you for finding one in this lifetime.